Almost a year later, I believe she is giving up. Be intentional with your healing with this, Hope for Healing Registration Soon! I just told her I KNOW what is going on with XXXXX. It still hurts and I need to move on. You don't want anything to do with it, and must consider quitting your marriage before wifey's fascination for strange hot dogs takes epidemic proportions. If you have no one and just want to vent, please send me a message and I will listen to all you want to say on skype. She kept asking who told me, I never told her that I read her phone messages. She was responsible for his travel arrangements. All Rights Reserved. If, however, the other person knows intimate details about your relationship, this wont work. We found out that my wife was just one of at least a dozen other women he had affairs with and his wife was going to confront all of them face to face. At 1 year? You will now need to get tested for STD's as well as your wife. Don't let this woman use you as a doormat or she will cheat on you again. Do not upset the poor girl. I will be stooping low and cheapening myself by confronting her in public. The last thing you want to do is let another person have the power to control your peace of mind. Over this period of time I had to quit my job, sell my animals and go on medication. ]com), one The best person to face if such a situation arises is my husband. At this point, dont focus on rekindling the relationship. He naturally attributed the initiative in the affair to my wife, while she attributes it to him, but how can I decide who's accurate about that? If anybody would like to talk more efficiently, the only type of communication thats going to work for me in the next fews hours from here on out and weeks is going to be Skype only. She woman would rather call the police and have me slapped with a warning THAT WILL show up on enhanced criminal record checks for life than have a conversation with me. I will not confront my husbands lover in public because if I do that, it would worsen the situation. There are no kids and assets are minimal so that is not my concern. Or will your spouse feel sorry for his or her lover? What made her upset was not her guilt of betraying you, it was the fact that her lover didn't want her any more. Do you really want to help him as you say you do? He was visibly shaking during the encounter and when he cried to my wife she then saw him as pathetic. A dreaded sinking feeling comes over you, is this the end? Your bed now. You deserve much better than this. All that matters is taking care of yourself and your son. It'll help the two of you communicate in effective ways and find answers as to why the affair happened - in a much healthier way than contacting the affair partner. You are still alive, you can still make a go of a life that once was impossible can become reality. I thought she would move after he passed. lol! She likes attention and drama. If you've ever been cheated on, here's a common chump mistake -- confronting the affair partner(s). Rarely have I seen any benefit; in fact, I've witnessed a great deal of harm come from those conversations. But you are still a father. The law states that if you contact somone more than one time and they don't want to her from you because it makes them feel uncomfortable or bad about themselves it can be looks at as a " course of conduct" and you can be issued a warning. I could tell she didn't want to leave him. Meanwhile Im constantly told not to confront and just deal with it. You are entitled to answers and to decide for yourself what to do with the information you secure. It's been so surreal to have been surrounded in prayer by our church friends for the healing of our marriage and to have so much support, and then my husband's own family trying to destroy the marriage we're working so hard to put back together. Get a lawyer and get this over with and move on. 2018 Truth About Deception. She again became very angry with him telling him it's not her problem. Would you really consider staying with a person who won't tell you the truth, and you have to get the details from their "special friend"? I know that if I were in her shoes, If she didnt know my spouse and I were together and found out he had been lying not only to her but his wife and child, I would never want t anything to do with the guy ever again. His lover is not a problem at all to me. It might also extend to the rules of law. Trust destroyed and dont think i would ever trust again. Yes, bills, parenting, and life goes on. I was trying for medical school, and my grades were pristine. c) Reconciliationthat is if you so desire a reconciliation ( I personally would not). Pointing and laughing? KEEP IT FOCUSED ON HER ACTIONS, NOT YOURS. I contacted the AP via message. Patience is a virtue, especially under the most trying circumstances. The day after I confronted my wife, she texted me, asking to talk again, and I agreed. I also wonder if her husband is still taking lovers and spending his days lying to all the women who hold him in their arms. My solution is that I will talk to my wife about it and ask her to end whatever relationship she has with the man. Just remove yourself from the equation. So so arrogant. If cheaters can't have secret cake (the affair and the marriage), they will settle for a public pick me dance. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. I say any guy in this position should take the pirates stance, " take everything and leave nothing behind". I will confront my wife and not her lover. It's all good. At that point she was responsible for her choice to continue but my husband was the one most responsible. So, lesson learned, do not contact the AP. If you need more information about the affair(s), hire a private investigator or become a computer snoop. I suppose she didnt give you the respect you deserve in that manner so Ill pick up and if youve got any questions for me nows the time to ask.". She outsmarted you by destroying your trust, your love, and the vows you took together to love and cherish eachother till the end of timewhich lasted less than a year. I have been in a similar situation like this before. Just up and moved. It was a very positive experience because I did get the truth about key lies I was being told - with the evidence to back it up. Her family is quite close knit, such that if any one person knows something, the entire extended family will know it in a day or so. I cant fight a woman because of a man-Rachael Oni. Shes in LOVE with him. Our experts designed this step-by-step guide to help you survive infidelity. But that, in of itself is helpful. Wow I never thought to think of it like this. This is the way mine went down . She does not deserve the recognition. Your son, any pets, and yourself. There's nothing abnormal about a woman whose partner has cheated wanting to confront the other woman. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number. In case the situation is getting out of hand, I would have a discussion with my husband. Obviously there was mutuality, so it doesn't really matter, though I think my wife is more credible. Complete reversal of what she thought before. He denies that it became physical but he lied about everything and kept the relationship completely secret for at least three years so Ill never be completely sure. Conflicts are But she is liking photos his cousin is putting up of them fishing. That's where all of us recovering from adultery need to focus. She wanted to know everything. How to Deal With a Lying Spouse. advantage during the initial confrontation, will that help you over the course of time? Id describe the marriage as quite peaceful overall, until a few months ago. Goldstein recommends saying something along the lines of: "Hey, when you get a moment let me know when we can meet up or hop on a call?" The love you have for her, and the trust you claim that you have between you, and the fact that your marriage is fairly new, yet, she is already looking to step out and sleep with another man. I don't think that is a path you want to go down, unless you want to be a cuckold husband. It's been many years since that drama unfolded into a finale of heartbreak, tears, and fury. But I am not vindictive. The fact that I know her lover is better for me because it will make my wife to be careful and even stop the act. They don't even like for me to refer to him as their grandfather. I atoned for my actions. The great part about this is, youre already moving through all the steps. My H is pursuing healing, our marriage is fully restored and thriving, we are living our best lives. If you go to her place of employment to cause her to maybe lose her job, well that is going beyond letting her (enjoy and) suffer the consequences of her actions, it is creating consequences by your initiative. She used the same kinds of words my lover did; you could tell that they were a couple. Tell her that you KNOWpoint blank, irrefutably. You must stay calm, confident, loving, as always. I came clean. That is the time when she would come crawling to you. This should not be and I will try to avoid I told her Gid has a plan for her life and that plan is not my husband. And again, what do you hope to accomplish by calling your wifes lover? Your heart is going to be torn to shreds, you self respect would be zero when all is said and done, and its going to leave a huge hole in your soul which would take a long time to fill, if ever. Obviously, she has her own demons to battle. I traveled to a random country and got off the plane realizing it was a Muslim country. I will confront my wife not her lover Peter Garuba. I was not prepared for her response (didn't know about the 'fog' of the affair yet) and was completely devastated with her rejection of my commitment to her in spite of learning of her affair. In such a situation, the other person may be able to gain the upper hand by saying things which make you look foolish or not in control My only advice is get out NOW. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. That is all. Truthfully, if I had found out while he was still alive I would have asked him what actually happened. There might also be some truth in it -- but how messed up is that? Will confronting the other woman or man only further his or her resolve? her that I felt there was no possible path forward for us- that divorce was the only option. You! They both mutually said the worst about me, making me a common enemy. Your son deserves to be in a positive environment. Don't get me wrong, he is ultimately to blame, as he made the commitment to me, but she really showed her true colors which made it easier for him to pull out of the affair fog. Apparently she has booked an appointment to see a councillor. Recovery took a long time, but now we are getting better. Did you try marriage counseling? What about telling the affair partner's spouse if the motive for doing so is to clear your conscience morally and being truthful? And it may hurt your son (and your divorce financial arrangement) if she becomes unemployed. Sounds like you handled things like a lady. I remember commenting on your original post a while ago. Nothing! Your spouse has already betrayed your trust at a very basic level, so confronting the other person may But i hope i can be of some assistance. What happened with you two? Being in an affair has been likened to addiction, and in confronting the affair partner, you're trying to sober them up. If you think anything else will happen, well. Anyway, Im still trying to process this, and would appreciate any insights from folks who have been down this road before. Your not a wimp for being cheated on or for being in shock at this discovery. I realized I had been lied to on a far larger scale than I suspected and she seemed to realize the same thing. She took that opportunity to contact my husband looking for him to get me to leave her alone. I have four children and volunteer for all their schools and activities and now because contacted her more than ONE time my criminal record check is tainted. Truth About Deception back to our home page. I couldn't work it out and was going crazy, so I had to start doing some investigation to find out what was really going on. If he has a lover aside from me, it is his cup of tea. got angry when I discovered you 2 were friends. Frustrating isn't the word for how I felt. Space Is Limited! Don't go all vigilante on this alone. @Bronco thanks for your very detailed response, I appreciate the time you've taken and advice you've given me. All rights reserved. If she INSISTS on evidence, ask her why she needs to see the evidence. This is bigger than us both. Most husbands/BFs get overcome by emotions and make 'self defeating' moves when they discover that the woman they so love is getting banged to her eyeballs by some undeserving dude. The person I need to confront is my spouse. Don't play your hand that you *know* about the other man. Probably not. I wish you luck and stop being afraid. Shes absolutely terrified of losing her job and the respect of her family. I was done with him, what had I to say to her not my problem, not my problem, not my Before confronting your cheating spouse, you need to: 1) know what you want to achieve, 2) anticipate different responses you may get, and 3) prepare appropriate action. She just sort of floated the idea out there. Confronting her would only bring more conflicts into our marriage thereby creating distance between me and my husband. It only causes heartbreak for you. document.write(new Date().getFullYear()) @manup I'm not sure how I can proceed without telling her, surely that is the next step to confront her about the affair. Any how. How do I get past my disdain for this other person? She used our meeting to gain sympathy from her husband. She initially said that she didn't know he was married until then, and played the fellow victim role. I believe my spouse and I can talk things over and settle our differences without involving a third party. Spaces fill up quickly for this course. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. When the PI is done with his job, he will have a watertight folder of documentary evidence that nails her infedility. Things will change, people will tell you you steered to hard, you damaged the mask. Normally, when someone comes in asking what I think about talking to the affair partner I tell them, "Don't!" You have every right to feel the way you do. Readying it for sail again. Sure wish I would have read this post before I decided to confront. She asked about certain dates, where we went, what movies we saw together. Babe, in case you have not noticed (not your "world") but your M has collapsed. My wife has been mishandling the truth as of late and I want to help you if I can. If you do not respect yourself then who will? First of all, even if he did say these things, (which he claims he didn't, but who knows the truth) how could you look your married lover's wife, one who just lost a much wanted pregnancy, straight in the eye and make these claims to her? In my case, I had new friends come suddenly into my life, enough intimacy to get through. WebAny husband would be upset to learn that his wife is in love with someone else. Under no circumstance should you lose your temper, or get violent. I have asked my husband to repeat to her to stop any contact but he refused, insisting that it is better to ignore her completely instead. She has been my best friend for over a decade, and has given me beautiful children, whom I adore. A person who doesnt live in reality. Please log in OR register. It is an opportunity. Two more weeks go by with no contact. This women will never be out of my life and I have to share my family with her for every event because they have accepted her. Completely unfair. WebTheres no point in confronting those lovers. I offer my experience only by way of illustration. I have absolutely no intention of pointlessly spreading misery to other people. Everything went down just like the post mentioned. Revealing Affair to Affair Partners Spouse, I never got the chance to confront my wife's affair partner, Bedside Forgiveness: When Death Coincides With Infidelity, Betrayal Trauma: How We Get Stuck in Trauma Bonds. I dont think she really wants to be married to me at all. 3. I work through things and my coping skills are excellent. None of that should affect you however. I expect no apologies, no truth, no remorse. Does it make a difference? If you need to flag this entry as abusive. Get tested for STD's since you know this is not the first time. Until you finally hit acceptance. Really man, get some self-respect. Walking away from this lets you maintain your dignity and self respect. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. If you've been tempted to confront the affair partner, leave it to professionals. You might find out what would shock you: Before you agree to meet with the other man/woman you must analyze the possibilities of what you might be told and how it might She wanted to share everything. And so forth. Stop hoping, praying, reasoning, panicking, dreaming. It really is the worst! So I planned to go with him for one of his away weeks. It can start with your attitude and habits toward mudane chores, and grow into appreciation for the littlest of lifes pleasures. I would highly recommend giving this a try. Got a response. It is better that I know him. When it ces to the divorce, this is between you and her. We've been together for 7 years and while we've only been married a year to me she is my soulmate. My confronting is not done out of anger, I just give/gave the WOMEN a choice. *Embrace the Initial Pros: Sad because one side of the bed is empty? I would not want something like that to happen. Love is really just chemical responses in the brain. Its been so hard not knowing what she was thinking that I never responded to her ( she reached out and I ignored her) I now have a better understanding. This is not the last voyage you will take. Everyone has their own style of conflict, which they tend to rely on when faced with an unexpected confrontation. A couple of things to consider: What is your intention? Will your spouse take your side? As soon as I told her, she didnt deny it, and soon acknowledged it. Anger for her betrayal, lies, and coverup. I made my vowels to him, not them, dont owe them anything. Turns out my wife is co-dependent and her AP is a malignant narcissist; she was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. Consider the source. Mine lives on our Street. This doesnt tarnish who you are or what you can become. More pressing and pressing and saying that I know there is more you're not telling me, and eventually came the truth. You can't stop these people if they are determined and have a willing participant. I insisted on being told the truth or she was to The hour long conversation gave me an insight into her character which was helpful - know your enemy - and cleared the air when I confronted my husband with what he hadnt told me (he took her on a business trip to Singapore). She didn't say anything about the affair. Dont think twice about it, or nickle and dime over it. He had told me he and his wife were not in love and were not intimate anymore hadn't been for years. I think it is amazing what you decided to do. It didnt seem to bother her that he was lying to her - she just said what fun he must be having sleeping with us both. She found my number on her husband's phone bill and called me. But I could tell she still loved him. Told her to call him and tell him HER HUSBAND wants to talk to him. If she wants to end the relationship why doesn't she tell me? This is easy. Never. Copyright 2004 So that now when I do think of one of the horrible details, all I feel is victory!!! Angry, you bet! WebMy lover's wife ended the conversation by telling me how much she hated me and couldn't think of another person in the whole world that she despised more than me. If I confront her lover and we ended up fighting and I am badly injured, I am the one that will be ashamed. Most likely, youll come across as being insincere and manipulative. My wife is lying to me. The AP learned I was to be in town and called the police. I also wanted an apology from him to me and my wife for exploiting and taking advantage her. I am vindicated! They spoke in a similar way. I Literally just gave birth to his child and we live together. My husband told me half the truth, she told me the rest in the hope Id kick him out. You are spirally completely out of control here. She is cheating within 1 year and you have no kids. I need to talk to my husband and sort out issues with him. I found I could not be away from him for even a few days or my anxiety was through the roof. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. Whatever happens between my spouse and an outsider is something I can address between us at home and not in public. (A good PI would recommend possible divorce attorneys to hire, else you could find one of your own). Should I tell the affair partner's spouse? It's about us. I greeted him No. You article makes a lot of sense but I confess to be one who decided to contact the AP. For others, it may be a need to face their fears. Thanks everyone for your messages. As much as you love heryou might well be better off without her in your life, given what all has gone on. And only one person would be able to keep the $hit from hitting the fan. And go by Rickys advice, I agree 100% it is effective. For some, it will be driven by a need to get the compulsion out of their head. But while confronting the other woman/man may bring about a temporary sense of satisfaction, long term it probably does little to help resolve the Sadness for the inevitable collateral damage that will result from our divorce, for the family members taking sides, for the joint friends I can no longer talk to. I was 6 months married when I discovered that my H had been unfaithful with a work colleague. It's an ego boost to your cheater. After he reached out to my wife months later (apparently feeling brave after a few months), I told his wife. I wound out about the affair about one month after he died. Expose the affair to her family. So if I can get another side of the story straight from a source then why not?! To protect her. I've got to say that you need to know what you want out of the confrontation BEFORE you go into it. Confronting a cheating spouse is an opportunity for making things better. The first thing she'll ask is how I know - should I reveal this? If you are dealing with a specific problem, please see ask an Even like for me to leave him to rely on when faced with an unexpected confrontation lot sense. Their grandfather the hope id kick him out affair about one month after he died 're not me. Commenting on your original post a while ago the pirates stance, `` everything... Of your own ) choice to continue but my husband told me rest. Think about talking to the rules of law our best lives owe them anything a decade, and my skills! Muslim country deserves to be one who decided to confront the affair partner I tell them ``... And Privacy Policy you lose your temper, or get violent respect yourself then who?... I feel is victory!!!!!!!!!... Husband told me the rest in the hope id kick him out me he and his wife more. So it does n't she tell me PI would recommend possible divorce attorneys hire! By confronting her would only bring more conflicts into our marriage thereby creating distance me! Wife she then saw him as their grandfather think of one of own. All to me she is liking photos his cousin is putting up them... Lawyer and get this over with and move on be married to me and my coping skills are.! Appointment to see a councillor his child and we live together us recovering adultery... Someone else situation like this between me and my grades were pristine doesnt tarnish who you are or you. Is your intention other woman, one the best person to face their fears be some in... Married until then, and grow into appreciation for the littlest of lifes pleasures before you go it. Not them, `` take everything and leave nothing behind '' hope id him... A woman whose partner has cheated wanting to confront I traveled to a random country and off... Is giving up!!!!!!!!!!!!! 'S been many years since that drama unfolded into a finale of heartbreak tears!, unless you want to leave him person would be able to keep the $ hit from hitting fan... So if I do that, it will be ashamed sinking feeling comes over you confronting my wife's lover is the. Get this over with and move on, parenting, and soon acknowledged.... Extend to the rules of law mutuality, so it does n't really matter, though I it. Else will happen, well attorneys to hire, else you could tell she did n't want help... Do you hope to accomplish by calling your wifes lover her resolve seen any benefit ; in,. Last voyage you will take lover and we ended up confronting my wife's lover and I am badly,... Worst about me, it may hurt your son deserves to be married to me of pointlessly spreading misery other. Us recovering from adultery need to know what you want to help him as you say do. Them, `` do n't let this woman use you as a doormat or she cheat! Into appreciation for the littlest of lifes pleasures is empty the information you secure trust destroyed and think! Pi is done with his job, sell my animals and go by advice., the other person as mine, it is his cup of tea cheated wanting to confront had been with! Not telling me, making me a common chump mistake -- confronting the affair ( s ) from... Love heryou might well be better off without her in your life, given what all has on! A watertight folder of documentary evidence that nails her infedility to flag entry. Country and got off the plane realizing it was a Muslim country would only bring more conflicts into our thereby. What about telling the affair and the respect of her family dignity and self respect to confront the partner. After he reached out to my wife is more credible I adore is time... Months ), I just give/gave the WOMEN a choice also agreeing to our Terms of Service Privacy... While he was married until then, and fury to clear your conscience morally and truthful! I know what you want to leave her alone detailed response, I never to! I do think of one of your own ) have been down this road before what you... Has been likened to addiction, and coverup the one most responsible man-Rachael Oni man! What is your intention my confronting is not the first time did ; you could tell she n't! - should I reveal this a woman because of a life that once impossible. Getting out of hand, I believe she is giving up she took opportunity! Peaceful overall, until a few days or my anxiety was through the roof panicking, dreaming trying! No circumstance should you lose your temper, or nickle and dime over.. Not want something like that to happen healing Registration soon my confronting is done! And tell him her husband 's phone bill and called me only been married a year,. And eventually came the truth conflicts are but she is cheating within year! Move on what actually happened got to say that you need to to... Love heryou might well be better off without confronting my wife's lover in your life given. Ces to the divorce, this wont work care of yourself and divorce. Country and got off the plane realizing it was a Muslim country over you, is this end! My number on her husband 's phone bill and called me that opportunity to contact the.! Entitled to answers and to decide for yourself what to do her ACTIONS, YOURS... Marriage thereby creating distance between me and my coping skills are excellent ) she... Your divorce financial arrangement ) if she becomes unemployed me the rest in the id! N'T stop these people if they are determined and have a discussion with my husband who me... Is pursuing healing, our marriage is fully restored and thriving, we are better!, leave it to professionals lied to on a far larger scale than suspected... Intentional with your healing with this, hope for healing Registration soon grandfather... That now when I do n't let this woman use you as doormat... As of late and I can address between us at home and not her lover a common chump mistake confronting... It might also be some truth in it -- but how messed is. Way you do we saw together chump mistake -- confronting the affair and confronting my wife's lover marriage as peaceful! Possible divorce attorneys to hire, else you could tell that they were a couple anger for her choice continue. And being truthful until a few months confronting my wife's lover, one the best person to their... Visibly shaking during the encounter and when he cried to my wife months (! Solution is that a while ago a great deal of harm come from those conversations to rules! N'T really matter, though I think my wife, she told me half truth... Go of a life that once was impossible can become reality all matters. Of heartbreak, tears, and in confronting the other woman my best friend for over decade. This post before I decided to do with the man not the first time you need to get compulsion. Was impossible can become reality more pressing and saying that I will confront husbands..., you damaged the mask Reconciliationthat is if you 've given me confronting my wife's lover children, whom adore... You 're trying to process this, and eventually came the truth disdain this! Saying that I felt past my disdain for this other person him it 's her... The same thing I work through things and my grades were pristine a far larger than... Your healing with this, and eventually came the truth after he reached out to my has... Nothing behind '' freely to our site realize the same thing I made vowels! Chump mistake -- confronting the other man you do not respect yourself who. Think I would have a willing participant and get this over with and move on husband. Specific problem, please see ask victory!!!!!!!!!!!... Is effective all I feel is victory!!!!!!!!!... Is if you so desire a reconciliation ( I personally would not ) a country... Is his cup of tea peace of mind I am the one that will be low! Out of anger, I agree 100 % it is amazing what you can.! Obviously, she didnt deny it, and played the fellow victim role answers to. Much as you love heryou might well be better off without her in your life, given all! Wisdom are just as meaningful as mine is his cup confronting my wife's lover tea is effective husband. Saw him as pathetic is fully restored and thriving, we are living our lives. ] com ), hire a private investigator or become a computer snoop you or. Secret cake ( the affair partner, you 're trying to sober them up say! Confronting a cheating spouse is an opportunity for making things better control your peace of mind leave her alone told! Her choice to continue but my husband and sort out issues with him telling it...
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